love, Marie.

I want to cry. I want to shout. I want to run away. I hate where I am. I hate that I cannot walk by the beach. That I cannot hear the crashing waves as they come onto the shore. I cannot see the stars I so long for during the night. All I see when I look out is an expanse of concrete and it simply hurts me so much to be here.

I miss the trees. The rivers. The sea breeze. I miss gazing at the stars at night.

The city takes all that away. It steals my soul. On the inside, I am empty.

I miss home. I cannot wait to get back.

… is one that most people in our modern world would hate to admit. Or would look down upon because in this day and age where there are endless possibilities for women everywhere to be doing more things that men have in the past forbade them from doing.

But all I want to do and be is a good mother and homemaker. I have to admit.. I think I would be pretty happy with myself with just that. At least, that’s what I have been feeling for a very long time.

Mothers have always inspired me.. although I have to say that I never quite had a mother nor a father.. I grew up apart from my parents and when we started being together more often.. it felt strange - like I didn’t know who they were and why they were there. Other than that they were mommy and daddy.

My own mother admits to not raising me when I was a child. How the responsibility was passed on to my grandparents and I didn’t grow up around my parents. As a child I was well aware of the fact that the relationship I had with my parents were not the same as those my peers had with their parents.

I will admit to being jealous when a classmate talked of her mother and how she would want to be just like her one day because her mom is also her hero. Or how a friend could freely joke around with her father or talk to her mother about things I keep to myself.

Dinners at the dining table were always uncomfortable and silent. Everyone knew just to sit and eat. The silence at the table always let me know something was not right.

So I grew up wanting better for my own children. I was ridiculous in the way I made mental notes on good parenting. And yes, I will spank my own children one day. I for one do not believe in simply being “sent up to your room” or just “sitting in the corner and thinking about it” because can’t you tell it’s just not working by how the teenagers/young adults in their country behaves.

Anyway, is it so bad to aspire to be a good mother?

From the way people talk it might seem so. To just be a mother and only that - it’s not good enough.

There are so many other mothers out there who are just so inspiring. People such as Karen Cheng the blogger, Kate Gosselin from the tv series Jon and Kate Plus 8, Capucha from Vimeo, and (I forgot her name) from Flickr. All of whom are mothers who at the same time manage to inspire people other than me to be good mothers. Not to mention they are all so creative and that’s just what I would love to be.

Besides wanting to be a mother my other passions include music, photography, videography as well as writing. I wish that as I grow up I will be a stronger and happier person and be able to provide a safe and healthy environment for my children to grow up in.

I only hope to have the patience to provide them with what they need to become the intelligent, bright, sociable, happy, with good heads on their shoulders people I dream for them to be.

This is my biggest secret.

Why do you love someone who cannot love you the way you want them to?

Is there any point?

See him run everytime you need him most.

I wonder how could I be so brave to love someone who does not love me to the same degree that I love him.

Or is it how could I be so cowardly to attempt to start fresh.

I don’t understand why.

I know he loves me. I know he does. And he’s not one to lie. And unlike my past boyfriends, I have never heard an unkind word about this one now.

But why can’t he just be there for me?

It’s been weeks since I’ve written here. I’ve just been so busy with assignments, field trips, and finals. But all those are finally over.

I had a nice weekend where I did not get enough sleep. It really ought to be the other way around now that the holidays have begun! The part about sleeping, that is. I should be getting too much of it and laze in bed all day like such a pig.

Over the weekend, I took a trip into another country with the boyfriend and his brothers. Had too much to eat. Bought DVDs of old movies which I have been looking for for a long time. That part was alright. What was not was the fight I had with the mother earlier in the day and the supposed birthday dinner I sat through later that night. Simply because the mother was there. The word sorry is not one that exists in this household.

When the boyfriend came to pick me up from my house along with his brothers, I couldn’t help crying in the car. The boyfriend’s brothers were sitting in the back so I hope that they did not notice the silly girl crying in the front passenger seat.

x

I love my boyfriend. I know I do. I wish we could go on being together in the years to come but I don’t know if he feels the same way I do. He’s not the same as other boyfriends out there. He does not like to give me kisses nor hugs. He doesn’t like to touch me. He does not like to be near me.

I feel really unloved right now.

He does not like to talk to me about things. He knew I was crying in the car on Saturday but he did not ask me what was wrong. I feel like he barely cares about me. It’s only when I go, “Why didn’t you ask me what was wrong? You don’t care about me.” that he starts to talk about it. But in the end, he makes it all about himself. As in he ends up screaming at me when all I want from him is a little support. I’m only angry because he doesn’t pay any attention to me when it’s obvious I need him.

He tells me that I’m pretty but I always feel it’s the opposite because of the way he acts. He does not hold me close. He does not touch me. He does not initiate any fits of passion. Shouldn’t he make me feel more secure about myself despite my flaws? Somehow I feel that they are more highlighted than ever.

He says he loves me but he forgets about 90% of the promises he makes. I swear that I am not exaggerating this. Sigh.

I don’t know where to go from here. Shouldn’t it be natural for a guy to want to be near someone they love? Because my ex-boyfriends never had any trouble. In fact, they sometimes smothered me with all the attention they gave me. But I never minded. I loved getting attention from someone I loved.

We’ve been together for almost three years now and I still cannot figure him out. Sometimes I feel very loved by him but that does not occur often. I could say that it rarely happens.

I thought that if you loved someone, you want them to be happy all the time. So much so that you would do anything to have them happy. Why save all the sweet moments? It does not make any sense. Why not make everyday a special day?

With my ex, I could say that the whole entire time we were together was special. From the first day we met till the day we ended and then some. Although when we did end I was thrown so far down into hell. Sigh. But I will always remember because it was special and there is no denying that.

With my current boyfriend.. when I ask him why he doesn’t treat me special.. he just says that so that when he does do anything special, I would remember it. Then I would retort that I don’t have that bad a memory - with my past relationships lingering in the back of my mind.

I just want to feel loved right now.

It’s kind of strange being called one of the “elite” bloggers who writes one of the more famous/well known blogs. Honestly though, I don’t believe that that is really who I am.

I realise now how much I need this other blog. I can see how it would be easy now for anyone to stumble across my other blog so now I can’t help but feel self conscious about what I write although it usually does not concern me much. But I do have opinions on things that I wish to express but am unwilling to hurt/offend anyone.

Anyway, I feel tired. I have not been getting enough sleep and I have been going out all day, everyday. I still have yet to get my day of bumming which is long overdue.

Goodnight.

I admit. I’m a baby. I’m sorry I’m not as independent as the modern world wants me to be.

But the real secret is this: I love being a baby.

I enjoy being coddled. I like it when he thinks I’m cute. I love it when he gushes over my pouts and how his eyes light up and a smile starts forming at his mouth and a laugh escapes him when he sees me acting stubborn. Or when I sulk, cross my arms, and stamp my foot. (Yes, I’m a baby, I’m very much aware.) Just because he thinks I’m cute when I act that way.

However, there are some things I can do without.. such as after waking to an empty house and finding no one around. You feel panicked although you’re used to being on your own but you feel like crying because no one was there when you woke up.

Those are times when I would run to the phone and give him a ring. Then I would wail, “B…. I just woke up.. and no one is around…….” and he’d just coo, “Aww.. you’re so cuteeeee…” and give me a kiss over the phone which helps me feel better immediately.

Sometimes I think that’s when I love him the most.

This country is getting more ridiculous by the minute! Ministry wants women going abroad alone to get family consent.

Imagine that, wanting the women to get family consent for our own safety? It’s just ludicrous.

They supposedly found 90% of the 119 Malaysian woman sent to foreign courts to be guilty of something drug related. 107 out of the 119 women.

And the ministry is suggesting getting consent to protect us women from being used to transport drugs?

Does anyone see the logic in that? Because I certainly do not.

How is that supposed to “protect” us? I see no such good coming of it.

The government is really going downhill. They are stupid for not seeing how they are only driving away the country’s best resources for growth. It’s PEOPLE.

Logically speaking, since they were so good at maths to come up with 90% just because it looks like such a nice, BIG number (to compensate for having small penises), I would like to know the math for how many of these convicted women were there out of the real number of women who traveled abroad alone? Delight me with your math skills and abilities to come up with percentages!

It is so disheartening to witness such dumb wits running the place.

Besides, these women will do whatever they want regardless! If they want to smuggle drugs, they will. No fucking consent letter is going to get in the way.

If you say that these women were conned into smuggling drugs, then clearly, instead of thinking we women are bimbos good only for a fuck (maybe there are some who are that dumb, I don’t doubt it) and attempting to control us because you men are too scared that we women will find bigger and better cocks to fuck, then certainly what is really needed is an education! Heighten their awareness to the issue that you so clearly bothering you men - that your cock is too small for your lady!

What you can do is reply all those emails that are being sent to your inbox promising to make your package bigger. Hehehe.

It is crystal clear how they are attempting to turn this country into an Islamic country. It already is, but most of the muslim laws are not enforced here because we are supposed to be a multi-racial country where we are “supposedly” free to choose whatever religion we want and to practice it as well.

Supposedly in Islam, women are prohibited from traveling alone without permission from either the husband or family. They will tell you that it’s only because women are the responsibilities of the men/family but really, we’re in a more modern era. Women are getting to be more independent. Some rules need to be changed. I can’t even see any Muslim girl/woman agreeing to this practice.

x

Not forgetting this little stunt they pulled not too long ago - proposing to prosecute non-Muslims for khalwat.

Tsk tsk. It’s so obvious what they are trying to do, isn’t it? Wanting to be able to control not only the Muslims but the non-Muslims as well. Sheesh. If anything, you should be teaching your own children about not fucking around.

x

Not to mention banning the use of the word Allah. Allah means God. Reason given is that Allah is a word only used in Islam. What the fuck are they talking about? Go and study your bloody history before you come up with such stupid reasons.

A few months back, I heard that the government had seized a couple of Bibles that were coming into Malaysia because of the use of the word Allah in them. These Bibles were coming in from Indonesia.

Stupid. See? We’re “supposedly” free to choose and practice our religion.

Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah. Hehehehe.

I am so childish, eh.

I fell sick yesterday. After getting back from classes at about 3 pm, I went and took a nap. Woke up feeling bad and really weak. Figured it might just be a case of taking a nap in the afternoon which usually makes me grumpy after I wake up.

But no, I was feeling bad all the way until it was night. I had a test to study for the next day but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it as over time, I got worse. It started with my ears feeling irritated. Then a few minutes later, my bottom front teeth started hurting and I started having the sniffles.

And then, my throat started feeling dry and I had three cups of water in a row but I still felt very thirsty. Not long after that, I started coughing. My eyes started to water and my nose started running. And eventually, I got the full blown flu. I have to say though, that this is the first time that it’s ever happened so quickly.

And I still had that test the the next day!

So I called my lecturer up with the intention of asking him if it was alright if I took the test on a later date. He did not pick up the phone so I texted him instead. He replied saying that it was alright.

So I went to bed immediately but kept having to get up in the middle of the night because of all the water I drank.

When I woke up this morning, I was well again. I was shocked! I woke up healthy! I could breathe easy, my flu was gone! It had gone as quickly as it had come.

That. Was. Weird.

I dropped the little sister + sister’s friend + uncle off at the airport. They should be reaching their destination soon. It’s so funny because they are all of different races! One is Chinese, one is white, and the uncle is Iban. It looks as though my uncle is smuggling children into the country or something!

So now I am home alone. I haven’t a clue what to do for dinner. One thing I’m so glad about is that I have the house to myself and I can walk around naked if I want to.

Hehe. Okay, I’m going to watch American Idol now. It just came on.

Feeling like such a boob. I have misplaced the key. Sigh.

I told the boyfriend about what I did because I needed to get it off my shoulders. At least someone I know out there knows what I did.

I texted him about it during my lecture this morning.

Me: I did something terrible yesterday. What is the worst thing do you think I am capable of doing?

Him: Uh. You teepee’d someone’s house? What did you do?

Me: If I told you, you might not like me anymore. Will you promise not to get mad or upset if I told you?

Him: I promise, dear.

Me: I sort of shoplifted…

Him: What did you shoplift? :-/

Me: I err… stole a key.

Him: What key? From what shop? Why? I’m not mad, I’m curious. Were there any cameras to catch you?

Me: From *****. It’s a key for a cashbox. Cos I have one of those. But I don’t have the key to open mine anymore. Cos I used to keep the key in my wallet back then and my wallet got stolen. So its been years since I’ve been able to open that box.

Him: Lol. You twit. Well, I still love you, k? *muacks* But let me go to ***** first to see if there’s a price on your head before you go back there eh?

Me: I love you too. Hehe. I don’t think they would know. I was being very discreet about it.

Him: Well, let’s be safe than sorry and you go see if the key works which by the way, I think was needless to snitch. I can pick those locks easily.

That’s when it dawned on me how stupid I was. Why did I not think of that first?! *smacks forehead*

Me: Hmph. But well okay. You go and check if they’re got Wanted posters of me all around the place. Grab one if there’s any - souvenir.

Him: Fine I will.

When I got home, I tried looking for the key to try out.

Me: I’m a boob. I misplaced the key.

Him: All that effort in vain, you have foiled yourself.

Me: I know. I’m a terrible thief! Not only do I feel guilty, but I also lose what I steal.

I know it’s still around somewhere. I just forgot where I left it.

Well, at least I can try picking the lock instead if the key doesn’t want to be found.