And The Worst Girlfriend In The World Award Goes To…

… me.

I cried for awhile as I was driving myself home alone at 3 in the morning.

How is it that I have such luck that the people I fall for end up having had fallen for me as well. Why is my love always returned?

I had already decided that I wanted to ignore these feelings inside of me and keep on living my life.

We hung out together at my house earlier tonight… I wasn’t expecting anything to go anywhere. I figured that we would watch some tv, and play some PS2… but things are never that simple, are they?

We did a lot of tv watching but none of that PS2 playing. His palms had been sweaty all night. I almost suggested that he maybe went to the doctors to find out why… Eventually as the night wore on, he gathered the courage to admit that he likes me and I was taken by surprise. I thought he said that he had liked someone else just last night? Turns out that he lied about it because he was too shy about showing me that he had feelings for me too.

So he likes me.

The best thing about knowing that he likes me would have been the fact that we probably fell for each other at the same moment- in class while we were doing our maps. I was joking around and he was laughing. Exactly what I had said in my previous few entries.

But why when I have already made up my mind about getting over this stupid but still lovely feeling.

He kept nestling his head on my shoulder… he was so manja… something that the boyfriend isn’t much of. Whether being manja is a good thing or not… I don’t know… because being manja kind of shows that he likes me. Whereas the boyfriend is more than happy to be left alone.

Sigh.

While I was sitting on the couch and he was lying with his head on my lap (I didn’t mind or thought that this may be crossing the line because my friends do it with me all the time) he said, “Hey, I thought you said that you don’t wear make up…”
“Huh? I don’t…”
“Then what’s this?” he reached up and lightly touched my lips.
“… I’m not wearing any make up…”
“But it looks like you are wearing lipstick.”
“Are my lips really red??”
“No…. I guess they just look… you have pretty lips.”
No one has complimented me on my lips in a long time. My boyfriend rarely compliments me thinking that I already know so there is nothing that needs to be said. Sigh.

But you know, even if I wanted to get together… I won’t… because there are so many things that will get in the way if we ever wanted to have a future. One- he’s Malay. Two- he’s Muslim. (I’m Christian and I’d like to stay that way.) Three- he’s younger.. not that I mind the age difference. It’s only two years but… I just don’t feel that he could be mature enough. Maybe. As for the difference in race and religion… yup, that would pose a problem. I’m not racist but these things will always pose a problem.

I made a bad decision. I think that it’s alright to talk things out and admit that you may have feelings for someone else with that person as long as you don’t act on it. What happened was nothing all too bad.. as in, I did not end up in bed with the guy. Nothing that extreme.

All that happened was..
“I was just thinking… what it would be like to kiss you.”
“Don’t.”

I was the one who said not to do it. He got embarrassed for saying it out loud… after much prompting from me because we was just starring at one spot with his eyebrows slightly furrowed which just shows that he had something on his mind.

Sigh. That’s not bad, right? But I haven’t told you the whole story yet. We stepped outside my house because we decided that I should send him back. I had picked him up earlier that night… then just outside my door, he kissed me. The worst thing was… I kissed him back.

I felt horrid. All I kept thinking about was how I would always kiss my boyfriend exactly where we were standing just before my boyfriend goes off. Except that my boyfriend doesn’t kiss me quite as passionately. My boyfriend isn’t quite the kisser. He does alright… but he doesn’t hold me as we kiss.

I ended the kiss. I said that I shouldn’t have done that. And walked off to the car. He came in not long after me. I was backing up the car out of the garage when he said, “Hang on. Drive back in and just stop.”

So I did. If he felt that we needed to talk, I’m all for it. I was feeling guilty though. I didn’t think at all that he might have feelings for me. I didn’t think he would fall for me. I didn’t think he would find me attractive. Why? Why does he like me too?

He kissed me two more times while we were in the car… I ended those too. We didn’t end up talking… I ended up ranting instead about how I’m such a horrid person and how this isn’t the first time it’s happened. Me falling for someone else while still with my current boyfriend, that is.

He did one stupid thing though. Trying to tell me that he loved me. To which I replied, “No. Don’t. You don’t even know me.” I know I hurt him by saying that.

It’s true I don’t know what it feels like to be rejected because I’m been lucky thus far but I do know what it feels like to be hurt. And I really didn’t want to hurt him but it’s obvious that I have. All I was thinking about in the car was how horrid a person I was. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and every single year, there must be one guy that briefly steals my heart away and I’m always too weak to do anything about it.

The first year there was my ex-boyfriend. Whom I snuck out with at night because I wasn’t quite over him yet. We would go out at a time when there were no cars on the road… we’d be dancing together in a club- always standing too close and getting intoxicated just by the music and presence of each other. He’d smoke his cigarettes and I would drink the beer.

The second year there was this boy whom I met vacationing with my friends. He had the same smile I did. Or so he said, “We have the same teeth.” He was sweet and kind and playful at the same time. On my last night there – I was leaving the next day, he had such sadness in his eyes. Whenever he looked at me, he managed to look at me with a certain something.. or feeling. My boyfriend has never stared into my eyes, or just looked at me the way every other guy who has loved me did before. On that night, he left our friends at the bar to go for a walk… he gave me a piggyback across the road… Hehe. I was tipsy and he said he didn’t know how else to be closer to me before I had to leave. Twice he tried to kiss me but twice I would look away. As much as I wanted his kiss, I couldn’t do it.

Now this year with this guy. Who is a classmate. Whom I will be seeing every other day. I told him that I didn’t want anything weird to happen between us or that we should stop being friends just because this all happened. Because I do like him… and I want us to be friends at the very least. Am I being incredibly selfish?

I do love my boyfriend. I still love him… that’s why everything is so confusing. The other guys whom I keep falling for are always so different. They are so attentive… and maybe that’s why I fall for them… but I know that my boyfriend is the one who will keep me grounded, make me a better person… I don’t go clubbing with this one… I don’t drink with this one… I don’t go out late at night… do wild things… I don’t feel like my soul is being sucked away… he makes me a better person.

But it is also boring.. but boring is good. Boring is stable. After years of being in relationships where moods were just all over the place and fights were often… I feel more peaceful now.

But then there are times when I wish it wasn’t boring. I want to go out late at night… dance… drink till I reach that sense of euphoria… be wild and spontaneous… take a drive to some far off paradise and sing my lungs out all the way there…

I don’t know what to do. I must be the worst girlfriend in the world. Do I break up with the boyfriend? Because I don’t deserve such a guy? (But at the same time hurting him? I don’t want to hurt him.) Do I keep mum and pretend nothing ever happened? Do I confess this sin to my boyfriend? Should he know what happened? Or should I protect his feelings.. keep this to myself.. and not do anything?

And what about the classmate? What do I do now? I want to still be friends if that is even possible.. but how do I go about doing it? Do I just say to him, “Let’s start over.” and forget everything that has happened… get over these feelings? Forget last night? But I don’t want to hurt him either. He kept apologizing to me… I kept saying that it’s alright or that it’s okay… to which he says it’s not. But it’s not his fault! So he shouldn’t have to apologize. I should be the one apologizing.

Although I don’t know how everything turned out this way. And if we fell for each other at that same exact moment… does it mean anything? We had just met at the time. Although we both knew of each others existence but now we never got to actually meet each other until that day.

Love at first sight? Sigh. How typical.