Over the past 2 months, since my last post, I have decided to screw thinking and do what I want. So I let him get close to me. I let myself be close to him. Him being The Classmate. I couldn’t help myself and I couldn’t stay away. When I try so hard to stay away, I end up being miserable and I come running back. I hated seeing him sad and I wanted so much to make him as happy as I could.
There was once where I tried to confess to The Boyfriend that The Classmate might’ve kissed me once. But I lied about what happened after. When I said that I walked off and that nothing else ever happened. This time, the Boyfriend did get incredibly upset and angry. If I still didn’t have feelings for him, I wouldn’t have cried and I wouldn’t have felt like I couldn’t live if he walked out on me. But I did. I wonder where things went so incredibly wrong. I was never like this. I was the most loyal girlfriend and never ever spared a thought for someone else when I am in a relationship. How is it possible to have enough love for two in your life?
But he (The Classmate) makes me happy. He looks at me the way I’ve always wanted to be looked at. I can hear the amount of love in his voice when he talks to me. I feel happy being close and lying in his arms. They way that we manage to fall and fit when we’re lying in bed together is so nice. It’s comfortable. When he drapes his arms over my shoulders I feel safe. I love how he comes up and gives me a hug when I’m in front of the mirror brushing my teeth or washing the dishes. The way he plops his hat onto my head when we are walking in the rain and laughs when it flops over my eyes because it’s too big for me.. it makes me feel like we’re the only two people in the world. I feel so taken care of. I have not felt so loved as I did by him in a very long time.
So I screwed thinking about it. Screwed all the what ifs and all the buts. I let myself love him. Eventhough I forbade myself from ever saying those three little words. As much as he said them to me, he never heard me say them back. He understands why.
So we loved one another. “This way,” I said to him, “At least we got the chance to love one another the way we would’ve if circumstances could have been different. For however short a time.” As much as it would hurt the both of us.
When he gets on the plane today and flies back home, it is supposed to end. We are supposed to forget each other over the next three months and come back being normal friends. As normal as anyone could be when they have loved one another so deeply. Can one really come back after going that far?
