The Boyfriend came over this afternoon. We fell asleep together with him holding me in his arms. When I woke up and turned around to face him, I asked him if he loved me. For the longest time now I’ve been feeling less love for him than I had before. When he kisses me now, I feel that it’s wrong. Although I still love being held by him. It is something familiar. It is something that I’ve been used to over the past three years and it’s something I’m still very afraid of losing. So although I may not love him as much as I used to, I still cried. I still felt hurt and upset.
I partly blame him for me falling for another guy. If I hadn’t been unhappy or feeling neglected, maybe none of this would have happened. All the lies would then have been unnecessary. All this falling for another person happened after I have been feeling so unloved for a long time. It really was no wonder that The Classmate was able to creep into my heart – because it was broken.
I wanted so much for this one to be the one for me. I thought I was done. Why must this happen. I didn’t ask for this. I was not hoping for this. I only wanted to be loved. By him. Not another.
I’m absolutely terrified of the prospect of starting new.
