Scandalous

(I’m going to finally give names to all the characters in my life which I write about.)

xx

I am a bad, bad, bad person.

Sigh. You know, I used to think that I was the most loyal girlfriend. That no matter what, I would stick by my man and that I would never do anything that I thought was inappropriate. The Boyfriend from this time forward will be known as Gabriel. I know I love Gabriel. No doubt about it. It’s just that he’s not really there for me.

That Classmate, Dylan, the one that I’ve been writing about for quite some time… Well, the update is that I’m trying to just be friends with him. It’s not so hard at the moment because there are so many other things to distract myself with currently in my life. But the other night when I sat down and thought about all the things we did together, and all the time spent together, either on sms, online, or in person.. I start to miss him. But coming back to thinking about how jealous he acts, or how emotional and sensitive he is.. I don’t think we could have lasted very long as a couple. Then I start to wonder if it was love. And maybe it was simply lust instead. Sigh. He says he loves me.

There was another classmate, we’ll call him Adam. We started to get to know each other at the beginning of the semester when two classes from two different semesters were merged into one. Classroom dramas summarized, Adam was interested in my best friend, Natalie. So were a few other guys actually. Her drama seemed to be very complicated because of the numerous number of guys that were at her disposal. My drama was that I had a boyfriend but I still had a guy who obviously liked me a lot, whom I also spent a lot of time with, yet I was not officially with him.

Scandalous enough? It gets better.

My drama had somehow warped into a combination of what was my drama plus hers. After exams were over, Adam and I started talking more. There was a day when I put on status message on one of your regular popular messengers about wanting a car. Not just any car though. Specifically the Nissan GTR 2008. Which apparently scored me some points with Adam. He started chatting to me online. We never did really talk before. And it wasn’t long before we found out that we had a lot in common with one another. It escalated to a point where the day seems incomplete if we didn’t chat to each other. We sacrificed sleep just because we enjoyed the conversations we had so much.

I know you knew this was gonna happen but I’m going to say it anyway just to confirm your suspicions. Yes, Adam fell for me. And I said that I had fallen for him too. Maybe I was confused at the time. I did enjoy our conversations- very much as well. He was a great listener. He was very sweet (weird, because before all this he did nothing but bully me). Other than that, he was also incredibly attentive and caring. Adam fell for me because he had realised that we had so much in common, much more than what he had with Natalie. We agreed on a lot of points and disagreed with many of Natalie’s and thus feelings started to grow.

We would sms each other all day long too. When I was away in Singapore, Adam had in fact, reloaded my phone credit for me so that I could message him while I was there although it cost a bomb to use roaming and message overseas. That was before he even confessed that he had feelings for me. Why would someone who is just a friend, reload your phone for you?

Sigh. But the fact that he can get a bit depressed and still at that point in life where he thinks that self-inflicted injury is something worth doing when you’re depressed.. I guess that although I didn’t mean to.. I lost a bit of respect for him there. But he was sweet and he took good care of me when we went out together to catch a movie.

But now I feel like I would prefer him as a best friend instead. Is that possible? It’s apparent that he wants me so much.. I love him too.. but I guess only as a friend. Because we still have great conversations. I care about him a lot. But I think it’s confirmed that this cannot be anything more than a friend thing.

By the way, I’m not done yet. Something else has happened very recently. I’m still tingling from the kisses I received from Caleb. Caleb is this guy that I practically grew up with. He lives in Australia (his family had migrated there) but he came over for a holiday. He arrived together with his family last Tuesday. The 30th of December. We’ve known each other since we were babies. We grew up together playing tag, cop and robber, hide and seek, legos, and everything else of the sort.

Oh, I had a crush on him. I don’t even recall when I started having a crush on him. It was so long ago and I must’ve been just a kid. When my mother told me that his family and his brother would be coming over.. which meant that he wasn’t going to be around.. I was a bit disappointed. But my mom got him and his brother mixed up so when I heard who was really coming, I smiled. It’s funny how up till now I still have that little crush on him. But never did I think that anything was going to happen. Never have I hoped that he might have a crush on me too.

Even funnier, like ha ha, is that we kissed just minutes earlier. I know I have a boyfriend, alright?? But.. when you find out that your childhood friend whom you’ve had a crush on for forever.. that he likes you too.. even more hilarious is that he’s been liking you ever since you were kids as well..? Well, how could I not have kissed him? It was something I used to wonder about as well. Well, when I was in my teens anyway. I’m pretty sure I had a crush on him way before I turned into a teen but I was too young and still too disgusted by the act of locking lips.

He knows I have a boyfriend.. and we did sort of talk about what we’re doing.. since he’s only going to be around for a week.. before he and his family flies off to their next holiday destination, well, this cannot be a serious thing. Furthermore with the fact that he lives in Australia.. Well, far distance relationships? They’re too difficult to maintain.

He said that he loves me. Very much. Always has. I am a bit taken back by his boldness. I don’t know whether he even knows what love is. He seems kind of innocent to me. By the way, I’m embarrassed. My ex-boyfriends never grew up with me.. they didn’t know what I was like when I was young and oh-so-very-very-very-awkward. But Caleb does. And trying to get my mind around the fact that he’s liked me ever since those days? It’s just strange and I cannot understand it.

Trying to understand everything that’s been happening.. In a sense, I feel incredibly blessed to be loved by so many. Maybe God is sending me some odd message since I’ve been feeling down about the way my looks have changed. Although I’m way past my teens, acne hit me late and hard. Maybe he’s trying to say that looks does not matter. It’s whats inside of me. Because although I have acne on my face and scars on my body, there are still those who accept me as who I am and are able to say sincerely that I am pretty. The latest guy to have fallen for me was sent to me to show that although I grew up ugly and awkward, and socially stunted- someone still managed to loved me. Through all my awkward days and ugly years, up to now in fact. By the way, those guys are not ugly hillbillies either.

OR…

… it could mean that I am currently only looking for Mr. Right Now instead of any Mr. Rights.

It sucks to find out that you are not as independent as you thought you once were. And that your life has turned into some sort-of-still-kind-of-boring tv dramas. I thought I had found my Mr. Right so long ago. Three years ago. But with my life having been shaken up. I’m not sure anymore. I thought I knew what to look for. What was the right kind of person to stick with. But now I’m uncertain.

Am I still a slut if I realise what I am doing is wrong? Yeah, I think I am. Especially since I don’t do anything to stop it. I believe I had given on up thinking too much about things a long time ago.

Okay, I’m a slut.