A million and one things have happened since the last post. However, this is not an update. I just need to let off some steam. I’m currently feeling incredibly let down and upset by my friends. Sigh. Sometimes, I guess I don’t know if I actually have any.

There is only one person in the world whom I consider my best friend. We know each other so well… although we don’t keep up with news of each other.. but we know if one of us is bluffing or not.. we act alike.. we love the same things.. we finish each others sentences.. we think alike.. so much so that the same thoughts crosses both our minds at the same time.. that we even say the same things, word for word, at the same time.

But we are like guy best friends. In the sense that I don’t talk about my private matters… or my relationships.. or the troubles and problems that I face in my life. Sigh. I so wish that I could. But it’s just not me. And I know it’s not her either. We rather share our problems with those we are in relationships with.

I know though that there are guys who do share their problems with each other.. go to each other for advice and all.. but I somehow have the assumption that most do not do that.

I do care deeply for her. I get incredibly defensive. I would take on full grown men if any of them tries to hurt her.

But right now, I feel so let down by her. That what I do for her is never returned. It’s making me so depressed.. and I wonder if she thinks of me when she does the things she does. Whether or not that she cares about me as much as I do about her to want to do me good.

The thing is.. that when she’s away on holidays and such.. she asks me to take care of her pets.. and I do. And I do more than what is asked of me when she does. Although she says that it’s okay to not clean the litter box and such.. I do. Just because I care not only for her, but also for the lives of the animals entrusted into my care. I always do my best, eventhough I’m not used to caring for animals.

Thus, I have cleaned out litter boxes, swept the floors, washed the floors (cos sometimes the animals mess up).. etc etc.. Whatever I felt needed to be done.

Since then I’ve had pets myself. I had a little fighting fish. Some might say that its not a real pet. But it is alive and breathing. When I’ve been away myself.. I asked her if she would be so kind as to return the favor and take care of it for me. My initial plans for the holiday saw me being away for just three weeks.. thus, when she asked how many times should she clean the tank and all.. I only said twice. Meaning once a week.. since I could return during the third week and clean it myself.

But things happened and plans had to be changed and I ended up being away for three months. When I came back, I was shocked to see that the tank was incredibly dirty.. and that the water had evaporated that the tank was only half full… and the water was so filthy that my fish couldn’t even be seen. Only shadows of it could be seen as it swam close to the sides of the tank.

All my friend had to say was, “I don’t know why the water gets so dirty. I cleaned it two times like you told me to.”

I was like, oh god. I would’ve thought that she would have had the common sense to know better! She knew about the change of plans.. so she should have known that I only said twice as I told her I would be back in three weeks. Urgh!

Anyway, a month or two ago, I got cats. A friend, Adam, asked if I was willing to adopt some as there were some newborn kitten that were born just outside his house.. and in the area there is a male cat which loves to gobble up kittens. Which I thought was horrid. Thus I accepted. I couldn’t say no! I was already imagining the horror of them being eaten up. He couldn’t take care of them himself because he lives on campus where pets are strictly prohibited.

I am away on holiday now and I am imcredibly worried about my cats. Not only is one of them currently under medication.. I do not have a choice but to entrust the care of my cats to her again. I thought she would do a better job of it as she herself plays owner to a couple of them but I guess not.

Sigh! I’ve heard complaints that they are now very smelly and that the litter box remains uncleaned and unchanged. So much so that they are now pooping and peeing elsewhere because the litter box has become too full. I am so upset and very disappointed because I trusted her to take care of living things which I love and am fond of and she can’t even do it.

I am also worried about the welfare of my kittens. I want to return home as soon as possible to check up on them but I also have a controlling mother who would not let me go. Even if I gave her the excuse that I have cats to go back and take care of.. she wouldn’t let me as she never wanted me to have any in the first place. Not to mention that everytime she talks to me she speaks of ways of getting rid of them.

I just wish she could show that she cares enough about me as I do about her to want to do a good job. Guess not.

Said best friend is Natalie.

(I’m going to finally give names to all the characters in my life which I write about.)

xx

I am a bad, bad, bad person.

Sigh. You know, I used to think that I was the most loyal girlfriend. That no matter what, I would stick by my man and that I would never do anything that I thought was inappropriate. The Boyfriend from this time forward will be known as Gabriel. I know I love Gabriel. No doubt about it. It’s just that he’s not really there for me.

That Classmate, Dylan, the one that I’ve been writing about for quite some time… Well, the update is that I’m trying to just be friends with him. It’s not so hard at the moment because there are so many other things to distract myself with currently in my life. But the other night when I sat down and thought about all the things we did together, and all the time spent together, either on sms, online, or in person.. I start to miss him. But coming back to thinking about how jealous he acts, or how emotional and sensitive he is.. I don’t think we could have lasted very long as a couple. Then I start to wonder if it was love. And maybe it was simply lust instead. Sigh. He says he loves me.

There was another classmate, we’ll call him Adam. We started to get to know each other at the beginning of the semester when two classes from two different semesters were merged into one. Classroom dramas summarized, Adam was interested in my best friend, Natalie. So were a few other guys actually. Her drama seemed to be very complicated because of the numerous number of guys that were at her disposal. My drama was that I had a boyfriend but I still had a guy who obviously liked me a lot, whom I also spent a lot of time with, yet I was not officially with him.

Scandalous enough? It gets better.

My drama had somehow warped into a combination of what was my drama plus hers. After exams were over, Adam and I started talking more. There was a day when I put on status message on one of your regular popular messengers about wanting a car. Not just any car though. Specifically the Nissan GTR 2008. Which apparently scored me some points with Adam. He started chatting to me online. We never did really talk before. And it wasn’t long before we found out that we had a lot in common with one another. It escalated to a point where the day seems incomplete if we didn’t chat to each other. We sacrificed sleep just because we enjoyed the conversations we had so much.

I know you knew this was gonna happen but I’m going to say it anyway just to confirm your suspicions. Yes, Adam fell for me. And I said that I had fallen for him too. Maybe I was confused at the time. I did enjoy our conversations- very much as well. He was a great listener. He was very sweet (weird, because before all this he did nothing but bully me). Other than that, he was also incredibly attentive and caring. Adam fell for me because he had realised that we had so much in common, much more than what he had with Natalie. We agreed on a lot of points and disagreed with many of Natalie’s and thus feelings started to grow.

We would sms each other all day long too. When I was away in Singapore, Adam had in fact, reloaded my phone credit for me so that I could message him while I was there although it cost a bomb to use roaming and message overseas. That was before he even confessed that he had feelings for me. Why would someone who is just a friend, reload your phone for you?

Sigh. But the fact that he can get a bit depressed and still at that point in life where he thinks that self-inflicted injury is something worth doing when you’re depressed.. I guess that although I didn’t mean to.. I lost a bit of respect for him there. But he was sweet and he took good care of me when we went out together to catch a movie.

But now I feel like I would prefer him as a best friend instead. Is that possible? It’s apparent that he wants me so much.. I love him too.. but I guess only as a friend. Because we still have great conversations. I care about him a lot. But I think it’s confirmed that this cannot be anything more than a friend thing.

By the way, I’m not done yet. Something else has happened very recently. I’m still tingling from the kisses I received from Caleb. Caleb is this guy that I practically grew up with. He lives in Australia (his family had migrated there) but he came over for a holiday. He arrived together with his family last Tuesday. The 30th of December. We’ve known each other since we were babies. We grew up together playing tag, cop and robber, hide and seek, legos, and everything else of the sort.

Oh, I had a crush on him. I don’t even recall when I started having a crush on him. It was so long ago and I must’ve been just a kid. When my mother told me that his family and his brother would be coming over.. which meant that he wasn’t going to be around.. I was a bit disappointed. But my mom got him and his brother mixed up so when I heard who was really coming, I smiled. It’s funny how up till now I still have that little crush on him. But never did I think that anything was going to happen. Never have I hoped that he might have a crush on me too.

Even funnier, like ha ha, is that we kissed just minutes earlier. I know I have a boyfriend, alright?? But.. when you find out that your childhood friend whom you’ve had a crush on for forever.. that he likes you too.. even more hilarious is that he’s been liking you ever since you were kids as well..? Well, how could I not have kissed him? It was something I used to wonder about as well. Well, when I was in my teens anyway. I’m pretty sure I had a crush on him way before I turned into a teen but I was too young and still too disgusted by the act of locking lips.

He knows I have a boyfriend.. and we did sort of talk about what we’re doing.. since he’s only going to be around for a week.. before he and his family flies off to their next holiday destination, well, this cannot be a serious thing. Furthermore with the fact that he lives in Australia.. Well, far distance relationships? They’re too difficult to maintain.

He said that he loves me. Very much. Always has. I am a bit taken back by his boldness. I don’t know whether he even knows what love is. He seems kind of innocent to me. By the way, I’m embarrassed. My ex-boyfriends never grew up with me.. they didn’t know what I was like when I was young and oh-so-very-very-very-awkward. But Caleb does. And trying to get my mind around the fact that he’s liked me ever since those days? It’s just strange and I cannot understand it.

Trying to understand everything that’s been happening.. In a sense, I feel incredibly blessed to be loved by so many. Maybe God is sending me some odd message since I’ve been feeling down about the way my looks have changed. Although I’m way past my teens, acne hit me late and hard. Maybe he’s trying to say that looks does not matter. It’s whats inside of me. Because although I have acne on my face and scars on my body, there are still those who accept me as who I am and are able to say sincerely that I am pretty. The latest guy to have fallen for me was sent to me to show that although I grew up ugly and awkward, and socially stunted- someone still managed to loved me. Through all my awkward days and ugly years, up to now in fact. By the way, those guys are not ugly hillbillies either.

OR…

… it could mean that I am currently only looking for Mr. Right Now instead of any Mr. Rights.

It sucks to find out that you are not as independent as you thought you once were. And that your life has turned into some sort-of-still-kind-of-boring tv dramas. I thought I had found my Mr. Right so long ago. Three years ago. But with my life having been shaken up. I’m not sure anymore. I thought I knew what to look for. What was the right kind of person to stick with. But now I’m uncertain.

Am I still a slut if I realise what I am doing is wrong? Yeah, I think I am. Especially since I don’t do anything to stop it. I believe I had given on up thinking too much about things a long time ago.

Okay, I’m a slut.

The Boyfriend came over this afternoon. We fell asleep together with him holding me in his arms. When I woke up and turned around to face him, I asked him if he loved me. For the longest time now I’ve been feeling less love for him than I had before. When he kisses me now, I feel that it’s wrong. Although I still love being held by him. It is something familiar. It is something that I’ve been used to over the past three years and it’s something I’m still very afraid of losing. So although I may not love him as much as I used to, I still cried. I still felt hurt and upset.

I partly blame him for me falling for another guy. If I hadn’t been unhappy or feeling neglected, maybe none of this would have happened. All the lies would then have been unnecessary. All this falling for another person happened after I have been feeling so unloved for a long time. It really was no wonder that The Classmate was able to creep into my heart – because it was broken.

I wanted so much for this one to be the one for me. I thought I was done. Why must this happen. I didn’t ask for this. I was not hoping for this. I only wanted to be loved. By him. Not another.

I’m absolutely terrified of the prospect of starting new.

I feel incredibly sad. The Classmate is currently in his plane, flying over the sea, back to his home. We didn’t even get to say goodbye properly because of everyone that was around. All we managed to do was glance at each other and go, “Well, bye..” and “Yeah, see you..” and he was off through those automatic glass doors after another friend that he would be flying with.

What… no hug? My heart broke a little.

He only glanced back once and I left before I really wanted to when a friend asked, “Are we really going to wait till they’re done with immigration..?” I really wanted him to glance back one more time but instead I answered, “Heh. Right. Let’s go.” and walked away on reluctant legs. I kept glancing back to see where he was but he was swept up in the crowd and I barely saw him again. He didn’t catch my gaze. I wanted so much to run through those doors and hug him and not let go.

As we were walking towards the parking lots, tears stung my eyes and my heart ached.

Over the past 2 months, since my last post, I have decided to screw thinking and do what I want. So I let him get close to me. I let myself be close to him. Him being The Classmate. I couldn’t help myself and I couldn’t stay away. When I try so hard to stay away, I end up being miserable and I come running back. I hated seeing him sad and I wanted so much to make him as happy as I could.

There was once where I tried to confess to The Boyfriend that The Classmate might’ve kissed me once. But I lied about what happened after. When I said that I walked off and that nothing else ever happened. This time, the Boyfriend did get incredibly upset and angry. If I still didn’t have feelings for him, I wouldn’t have cried and I wouldn’t have felt like I couldn’t live if he walked out on me. But I did. I wonder where things went so incredibly wrong. I was never like this. I was the most loyal girlfriend and never ever spared a thought for someone else when I am in a relationship. How is it possible to have enough love for two in your life?

But he (The Classmate) makes me happy. He looks at me the way I’ve always wanted to be looked at. I can hear the amount of love in his voice when he talks to me. I feel happy being close and lying in his arms. They way that we manage to fall and fit when we’re lying in bed together is so nice. It’s comfortable. When he drapes his arms over my shoulders I feel safe. I love how he comes up and gives me a hug when I’m in front of the mirror brushing my teeth or washing the dishes. The way he plops his hat onto my head when we are walking in the rain and laughs when it flops over my eyes because it’s too big for me.. it makes me feel like we’re the only two people in the world. I feel so taken care of. I have not felt so loved as I did by him in a very long time.

So I screwed thinking about it. Screwed all the what ifs and all the buts. I let myself love him. Eventhough I forbade myself from ever saying those three little words. As much as he said them to me, he never heard me say them back. He understands why.

So we loved one another. “This way,” I said to him, “At least we got the chance to love one another the way we would’ve if circumstances could have been different. For however short a time.” As much as it would hurt the both of us.

When he gets on the plane today and flies back home, it is supposed to end. We are supposed to forget each other over the next three months and come back being normal friends. As normal as anyone could be when they have loved one another so deeply. Can one really come back after going that far?

Because Marie made a really bad decision.

I miss the Classmate more than I miss the Boyfriend.

I feel like crying. What I said in this post turned out to be so untrue. That I didn’t like him? I still do. And I want to be able to be close to him.

What is he to me???

What?

I don’t know either. I want him to love me. I know it’s so incredibly selfish when I am already with someone else but that’s what I feel. I still like him. I know it’s not right.

Sigh!

Last weekend, I told my boyfriend that we needed to talk. We were in bed, about to go to sleep when I asked him, “Is it normal for someone who loves someone to like someone else?”

“Yes. It’s perfectly normal,” he said and continued, “… so… who is it that you like?”

“He’s just one of my classmates..” I answered.

Then I started crying because of all the guilt I felt inside.

“Why are you crying?” he asked me.

“Because.. it’s not right.. I should not be having feelings for someone else when I already love you..”

“No. It’s alright. That’s why you see so many divorces these days.. because people don’t understand that these things happen.”

“Why aren’t you upset or mad at me?”

“Because.. I think it’s a good thing that you told me. It’s better than me finding out on my own, right? And if I had gotten mad at you.. the next time something like this happens, you will be less willing to tell me about it. Let’s just go to sleep.”

I honestly thought that he would get angry at me. I know that that’s something a normal boyfriend would do. Instead he says that it’s alright.. acts perfectly normal.. and is able to go to bed and sleep soundly.

Sigh. I don’t know what this all means. How can my boyfriend be perfectly alright??

The Classmate asked me just earlier today what he was to me.. I answered that I honestly didn’t know.. and that I know that that’s not the answer he wants to hear..

I don’t know what to do.

I’m proud that my parents and family are so tech-savvy and have always been, unlike practically all of my friends parents and family out there, which in turn helps them to understand the wide array of awesome new gadgets that pop up ever so often (and why we need some of them) but it kind of freaks me out when they start using social networking sites such as Facebook and start blogging.

… It had to happen sooner or later.

Okay, fine. So I don’t think I like him that much anymore. I guess the chase was what was fun. And after he told me about liking someone else I had somehow hardened my heart against those feelings I thought I had for him.

Now that he wants me too, I don’t want him. Now that someone is finally paying me all the attention I used to want from the boyfriend, I realize that attention is not something I really need. I’ve been fine without it.. or with very little of it.

Besides, I love my boyfriend. Why else would we have spent three years being together? Or close to three years anyway. He’s never done me any wrong and I should learn to appreciate my relationship with him. I guess it’s just because it was rather boring and mundane that I “fell” for someone else. But after I’ve got the classmate, I don’t feel that much attracted to him any longer.

Another thing is that there is absolutely no future between me and the classmate. He’s Muslim, I’m Christian. It’s highly unlikely that either of us will be willing to give up our religions.

Other than that, I find it rather infuriating when the classmate is unable to speak in proper English. English is my native tongue, I should say. I grew up speaking it and I barely know how to speak any of my two mother tongues which means that it means a lot to be able to communicate clearly using English.

Because, what’s the point when two people aren’t able to talk to one another? I love to have discussions about things… debate about certain things… be able to joke around and have him understand. The other night we were watching Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit and I was laughing so hard. I found it disconcerting that he wasn’t laughing as hard as I was.

It was my first time watching that movie, by the way. I’ve always wanted to watch it but I just didn’t. Anyway, the movie itself was incredibly funny and the fact that he didn’t “get” much of the jokes that were in the movie just shows how lacking he might be in “getting” anything else I would like to talk about.

Sigh. But I would still like to remain friends. Even close friends. I don’t mind! I just don’t know how to put him down without hurting his feelings.

How do I do that???

… me.

I cried for awhile as I was driving myself home alone at 3 in the morning.

How is it that I have such luck that the people I fall for end up having had fallen for me as well. Why is my love always returned?

I had already decided that I wanted to ignore these feelings inside of me and keep on living my life.

We hung out together at my house earlier tonight… I wasn’t expecting anything to go anywhere. I figured that we would watch some tv, and play some PS2… but things are never that simple, are they?

We did a lot of tv watching but none of that PS2 playing. His palms had been sweaty all night. I almost suggested that he maybe went to the doctors to find out why… Eventually as the night wore on, he gathered the courage to admit that he likes me and I was taken by surprise. I thought he said that he had liked someone else just last night? Turns out that he lied about it because he was too shy about showing me that he had feelings for me too.

So he likes me.

The best thing about knowing that he likes me would have been the fact that we probably fell for each other at the same moment- in class while we were doing our maps. I was joking around and he was laughing. Exactly what I had said in my previous few entries.

But why when I have already made up my mind about getting over this stupid but still lovely feeling.

He kept nestling his head on my shoulder… he was so manja… something that the boyfriend isn’t much of. Whether being manja is a good thing or not… I don’t know… because being manja kind of shows that he likes me. Whereas the boyfriend is more than happy to be left alone.

Sigh.

While I was sitting on the couch and he was lying with his head on my lap (I didn’t mind or thought that this may be crossing the line because my friends do it with me all the time) he said, “Hey, I thought you said that you don’t wear make up…”
“Huh? I don’t…”
“Then what’s this?” he reached up and lightly touched my lips.
“… I’m not wearing any make up…”
“But it looks like you are wearing lipstick.”
“Are my lips really red??”
“No…. I guess they just look… you have pretty lips.”
No one has complimented me on my lips in a long time. My boyfriend rarely compliments me thinking that I already know so there is nothing that needs to be said. Sigh.

But you know, even if I wanted to get together… I won’t… because there are so many things that will get in the way if we ever wanted to have a future. One- he’s Malay. Two- he’s Muslim. (I’m Christian and I’d like to stay that way.) Three- he’s younger.. not that I mind the age difference. It’s only two years but… I just don’t feel that he could be mature enough. Maybe. As for the difference in race and religion… yup, that would pose a problem. I’m not racist but these things will always pose a problem.

I made a bad decision. I think that it’s alright to talk things out and admit that you may have feelings for someone else with that person as long as you don’t act on it. What happened was nothing all too bad.. as in, I did not end up in bed with the guy. Nothing that extreme.

All that happened was..
“I was just thinking… what it would be like to kiss you.”
“Don’t.”

I was the one who said not to do it. He got embarrassed for saying it out loud… after much prompting from me because we was just starring at one spot with his eyebrows slightly furrowed which just shows that he had something on his mind.

Sigh. That’s not bad, right? But I haven’t told you the whole story yet. We stepped outside my house because we decided that I should send him back. I had picked him up earlier that night… then just outside my door, he kissed me. The worst thing was… I kissed him back.

I felt horrid. All I kept thinking about was how I would always kiss my boyfriend exactly where we were standing just before my boyfriend goes off. Except that my boyfriend doesn’t kiss me quite as passionately. My boyfriend isn’t quite the kisser. He does alright… but he doesn’t hold me as we kiss.

I ended the kiss. I said that I shouldn’t have done that. And walked off to the car. He came in not long after me. I was backing up the car out of the garage when he said, “Hang on. Drive back in and just stop.”

So I did. If he felt that we needed to talk, I’m all for it. I was feeling guilty though. I didn’t think at all that he might have feelings for me. I didn’t think he would fall for me. I didn’t think he would find me attractive. Why? Why does he like me too?

He kissed me two more times while we were in the car… I ended those too. We didn’t end up talking… I ended up ranting instead about how I’m such a horrid person and how this isn’t the first time it’s happened. Me falling for someone else while still with my current boyfriend, that is.

He did one stupid thing though. Trying to tell me that he loved me. To which I replied, “No. Don’t. You don’t even know me.” I know I hurt him by saying that.

It’s true I don’t know what it feels like to be rejected because I’m been lucky thus far but I do know what it feels like to be hurt. And I really didn’t want to hurt him but it’s obvious that I have. All I was thinking about in the car was how horrid a person I was. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and every single year, there must be one guy that briefly steals my heart away and I’m always too weak to do anything about it.

The first year there was my ex-boyfriend. Whom I snuck out with at night because I wasn’t quite over him yet. We would go out at a time when there were no cars on the road… we’d be dancing together in a club- always standing too close and getting intoxicated just by the music and presence of each other. He’d smoke his cigarettes and I would drink the beer.

The second year there was this boy whom I met vacationing with my friends. He had the same smile I did. Or so he said, “We have the same teeth.” He was sweet and kind and playful at the same time. On my last night there – I was leaving the next day, he had such sadness in his eyes. Whenever he looked at me, he managed to look at me with a certain something.. or feeling. My boyfriend has never stared into my eyes, or just looked at me the way every other guy who has loved me did before. On that night, he left our friends at the bar to go for a walk… he gave me a piggyback across the road… Hehe. I was tipsy and he said he didn’t know how else to be closer to me before I had to leave. Twice he tried to kiss me but twice I would look away. As much as I wanted his kiss, I couldn’t do it.

Now this year with this guy. Who is a classmate. Whom I will be seeing every other day. I told him that I didn’t want anything weird to happen between us or that we should stop being friends just because this all happened. Because I do like him… and I want us to be friends at the very least. Am I being incredibly selfish?

I do love my boyfriend. I still love him… that’s why everything is so confusing. The other guys whom I keep falling for are always so different. They are so attentive… and maybe that’s why I fall for them… but I know that my boyfriend is the one who will keep me grounded, make me a better person… I don’t go clubbing with this one… I don’t drink with this one… I don’t go out late at night… do wild things… I don’t feel like my soul is being sucked away… he makes me a better person.

But it is also boring.. but boring is good. Boring is stable. After years of being in relationships where moods were just all over the place and fights were often… I feel more peaceful now.

But then there are times when I wish it wasn’t boring. I want to go out late at night… dance… drink till I reach that sense of euphoria… be wild and spontaneous… take a drive to some far off paradise and sing my lungs out all the way there…

I don’t know what to do. I must be the worst girlfriend in the world. Do I break up with the boyfriend? Because I don’t deserve such a guy? (But at the same time hurting him? I don’t want to hurt him.) Do I keep mum and pretend nothing ever happened? Do I confess this sin to my boyfriend? Should he know what happened? Or should I protect his feelings.. keep this to myself.. and not do anything?

And what about the classmate? What do I do now? I want to still be friends if that is even possible.. but how do I go about doing it? Do I just say to him, “Let’s start over.” and forget everything that has happened… get over these feelings? Forget last night? But I don’t want to hurt him either. He kept apologizing to me… I kept saying that it’s alright or that it’s okay… to which he says it’s not. But it’s not his fault! So he shouldn’t have to apologize. I should be the one apologizing.

Although I don’t know how everything turned out this way. And if we fell for each other at that same exact moment… does it mean anything? We had just met at the time. Although we both knew of each others existence but now we never got to actually meet each other until that day.

Love at first sight? Sigh. How typical.