black, black heart

June 11, 2010 - Leave a Response

I miss everyone. I love everyone. I want everyone.

How can you love everyone? You can’t. You shouldn’t. You’re spreading yourself way too thin.

This intricate web of lies you’ve spun. It’s gotten so complex. You never meant for things to get this far.

You believe in karma. All this will come back to you, hard. And you will suffer for your sins.

Yet, you cannot stop.

It’s too hard for you to hurt one person, to save yourself and another.

Stop lying to everyone.

Sigh. I need someone to talk to. I need to sort out all my problems. I need to stop lying. How did you ever change from being the most loyal, most honest person you knew… to someone who cheats, and lies all the time.

Is it because you’re not happy?

cracked mirror

May 1, 2010 - Leave a Response

I’m sorry that all you’re left with is this damaged girl.

She’s too scared to love you right. And it’s too bad. For him. For her.

I can tell you that she misses the reckless abandonment, the feeling of loving someone so wholly.

But she doesn’t want to get hurt.

You should’ve hit her that day when you said you wanted to.

Make her hate you. Put an end to everything.

We know you’ve worked so hard but maybe that is how broken she is on the inside.

I Miss My Right Hand

November 27, 2009 - Leave a Response

My secret love. I want so much right now to shout out loud, to express it, to tell someone how I feel. I miss him. I might love him. But for now let’s just say that I miss him. Bad. So bad. I want to write everything inside of me. But it’s hard. There’s too much to say. So let’s just say that I miss him.

I miss having to share my bed.

I miss waking up to someone next to me.

I miss the company I had 24/7.

I miss the way he lovingly bullies me.

I miss how he buys me flowers. It surprises me everytime.

I miss sitting on the couch with him and watching tv for hours on end.

I miss watching him play with my dogs.

I miss his laugh.

I miss his smile.

I miss his eyes.

I miss him tickling me.

I miss his soul.

I miss his aura.

I miss the silly dancing.

I miss the good food we have together.

I miss eating with him.

I miss doing chores with him.

I miss having a best friend by my side.

I miss him running his fingers through my hair till I fall asleep.

I miss waking up to still find him stroking my hair.

I miss him shushing me to sleep.

I miss how he wakes up to take care of me when I have a bad dream.

I miss someone caring for me when I’m sick.

I miss how he’s so selfless.

I miss how I had everything in the world when he was around.

I miss the ridiculous accents.

I miss the lame jokes.

I miss the quiet moments together.

I miss the spontaneous outings.

I miss how he’d do anything for my happiness.

I miss feeling secure knowing someone’s there to catch me if I fall. Or jumped.

I miss him calling me cute.

I miss him.

So much. I cry.

Not Good To Know

July 6, 2009 - Leave a Response

A million and one things have happened since the last post. However, this is not an update. I just need to let off some steam. I’m currently feeling incredibly let down and upset by my friends. Sigh. Sometimes, I guess I don’t know if I actually have any.

There is only one person in the world whom I consider my best friend. We know each other so well… although we don’t keep up with news of each other.. but we know if one of us is bluffing or not.. we act alike.. we love the same things.. we finish each others sentences.. we think alike.. so much so that the same thoughts crosses both our minds at the same time.. that we even say the same things, word for word, at the same time.

But we are like guy best friends. In the sense that I don’t talk about my private matters… or my relationships.. or the troubles and problems that I face in my life. Sigh. I so wish that I could. But it’s just not me. And I know it’s not her either. We rather share our problems with those we are in relationships with.

I know though that there are guys who do share their problems with each other.. go to each other for advice and all.. but I somehow have the assumption that most do not do that.

I do care deeply for her. I get incredibly defensive. I would take on full grown men if any of them tries to hurt her.

But right now, I feel so let down by her. That what I do for her is never returned. It’s making me so depressed.. and I wonder if she thinks of me when she does the things she does. Whether or not that she cares about me as much as I do about her to want to do me good.

The thing is.. that when she’s away on holidays and such.. she asks me to take care of her pets.. and I do. And I do more than what is asked of me when she does. Although she says that it’s okay to not clean the litter box and such.. I do. Just because I care not only for her, but also for the lives of the animals entrusted into my care. I always do my best, eventhough I’m not used to caring for animals.

Thus, I have cleaned out litter boxes, swept the floors, washed the floors (cos sometimes the animals mess up).. etc etc.. Whatever I felt needed to be done.

Since then I’ve had pets myself. I had a little fighting fish. Some might say that its not a real pet. But it is alive and breathing. When I’ve been away myself.. I asked her if she would be so kind as to return the favor and take care of it for me. My initial plans for the holiday saw me being away for just three weeks.. thus, when she asked how many times should she clean the tank and all.. I only said twice. Meaning once a week.. since I could return during the third week and clean it myself.

But things happened and plans had to be changed and I ended up being away for three months. When I came back, I was shocked to see that the tank was incredibly dirty.. and that the water had evaporated that the tank was only half full… and the water was so filthy that my fish couldn’t even be seen. Only shadows of it could be seen as it swam close to the sides of the tank.

All my friend had to say was, “I don’t know why the water gets so dirty. I cleaned it two times like you told me to.”

I was like, oh god. I would’ve thought that she would have had the common sense to know better! She knew about the change of plans.. so she should have known that I only said twice as I told her I would be back in three weeks. Urgh!

Anyway, a month or two ago, I got cats. A friend, Adam, asked if I was willing to adopt some as there were some newborn kitten that were born just outside his house.. and in the area there is a male cat which loves to gobble up kittens. Which I thought was horrid. Thus I accepted. I couldn’t say no! I was already imagining the horror of them being eaten up. He couldn’t take care of them himself because he lives on campus where pets are strictly prohibited.

I am away on holiday now and I am imcredibly worried about my cats. Not only is one of them currently under medication.. I do not have a choice but to entrust the care of my cats to her again. I thought she would do a better job of it as she herself plays owner to a couple of them but I guess not.

Sigh! I’ve heard complaints that they are now very smelly and that the litter box remains uncleaned and unchanged. So much so that they are now pooping and peeing elsewhere because the litter box has become too full. I am so upset and very disappointed because I trusted her to take care of living things which I love and am fond of and she can’t even do it.

I am also worried about the welfare of my kittens. I want to return home as soon as possible to check up on them but I also have a controlling mother who would not let me go. Even if I gave her the excuse that I have cats to go back and take care of.. she wouldn’t let me as she never wanted me to have any in the first place. Not to mention that everytime she talks to me she speaks of ways of getting rid of them.

I just wish she could show that she cares enough about me as I do about her to want to do a good job. Guess not.

Said best friend is Natalie.

Scandalous

January 4, 2009 - One Response

(I’m going to finally give names to all the characters in my life which I write about.)

xx

I am a bad, bad, bad person.

Sigh. You know, I used to think that I was the most loyal girlfriend. That no matter what, I would stick by my man and that I would never do anything that I thought was inappropriate. The Boyfriend from this time forward will be known as Gabriel. I know I love Gabriel. No doubt about it. It’s just that he’s not really there for me.

That Classmate, Dylan, the one that I’ve been writing about for quite some time… Well, the update is that I’m trying to just be friends with him. It’s not so hard at the moment because there are so many other things to distract myself with currently in my life. But the other night when I sat down and thought about all the things we did together, and all the time spent together, either on sms, online, or in person.. I start to miss him. But coming back to thinking about how jealous he acts, or how emotional and sensitive he is.. I don’t think we could have lasted very long as a couple. Then I start to wonder if it was love. And maybe it was simply lust instead. Sigh. He says he loves me.

There was another classmate, we’ll call him Adam. We started to get to know each other at the beginning of the semester when two classes from two different semesters were merged into one. Classroom dramas summarized, Adam was interested in my best friend, Natalie. So were a few other guys actually. Her drama seemed to be very complicated because of the numerous number of guys that were at her disposal. My drama was that I had a boyfriend but I still had a guy who obviously liked me a lot, whom I also spent a lot of time with, yet I was not officially with him.

Scandalous enough? It gets better.

My drama had somehow warped into a combination of what was my drama plus hers. After exams were over, Adam and I started talking more. There was a day when I put on status message on one of your regular popular messengers about wanting a car. Not just any car though. Specifically the Nissan GTR 2008. Which apparently scored me some points with Adam. He started chatting to me online. We never did really talk before. And it wasn’t long before we found out that we had a lot in common with one another. It escalated to a point where the day seems incomplete if we didn’t chat to each other. We sacrificed sleep just because we enjoyed the conversations we had so much.

I know you knew this was gonna happen but I’m going to say it anyway just to confirm your suspicions. Yes, Adam fell for me. And I said that I had fallen for him too. Maybe I was confused at the time. I did enjoy our conversations- very much as well. He was a great listener. He was very sweet (weird, because before all this he did nothing but bully me). Other than that, he was also incredibly attentive and caring. Adam fell for me because he had realised that we had so much in common, much more than what he had with Natalie. We agreed on a lot of points and disagreed with many of Natalie’s and thus feelings started to grow.

We would sms each other all day long too. When I was away in Singapore, Adam had in fact, reloaded my phone credit for me so that I could message him while I was there although it cost a bomb to use roaming and message overseas. That was before he even confessed that he had feelings for me. Why would someone who is just a friend, reload your phone for you?

Sigh. But the fact that he can get a bit depressed and still at that point in life where he thinks that self-inflicted injury is something worth doing when you’re depressed.. I guess that although I didn’t mean to.. I lost a bit of respect for him there. But he was sweet and he took good care of me when we went out together to catch a movie.

But now I feel like I would prefer him as a best friend instead. Is that possible? It’s apparent that he wants me so much.. I love him too.. but I guess only as a friend. Because we still have great conversations. I care about him a lot. But I think it’s confirmed that this cannot be anything more than a friend thing.

By the way, I’m not done yet. Something else has happened very recently. I’m still tingling from the kisses I received from Caleb. Caleb is this guy that I practically grew up with. He lives in Australia (his family had migrated there) but he came over for a holiday. He arrived together with his family last Tuesday. The 30th of December. We’ve known each other since we were babies. We grew up together playing tag, cop and robber, hide and seek, legos, and everything else of the sort.

Oh, I had a crush on him. I don’t even recall when I started having a crush on him. It was so long ago and I must’ve been just a kid. When my mother told me that his family and his brother would be coming over.. which meant that he wasn’t going to be around.. I was a bit disappointed. But my mom got him and his brother mixed up so when I heard who was really coming, I smiled. It’s funny how up till now I still have that little crush on him. But never did I think that anything was going to happen. Never have I hoped that he might have a crush on me too.

Even funnier, like ha ha, is that we kissed just minutes earlier. I know I have a boyfriend, alright?? But.. when you find out that your childhood friend whom you’ve had a crush on for forever.. that he likes you too.. even more hilarious is that he’s been liking you ever since you were kids as well..? Well, how could I not have kissed him? It was something I used to wonder about as well. Well, when I was in my teens anyway. I’m pretty sure I had a crush on him way before I turned into a teen but I was too young and still too disgusted by the act of locking lips.

He knows I have a boyfriend.. and we did sort of talk about what we’re doing.. since he’s only going to be around for a week.. before he and his family flies off to their next holiday destination, well, this cannot be a serious thing. Furthermore with the fact that he lives in Australia.. Well, far distance relationships? They’re too difficult to maintain.

He said that he loves me. Very much. Always has. I am a bit taken back by his boldness. I don’t know whether he even knows what love is. He seems kind of innocent to me. By the way, I’m embarrassed. My ex-boyfriends never grew up with me.. they didn’t know what I was like when I was young and oh-so-very-very-very-awkward. But Caleb does. And trying to get my mind around the fact that he’s liked me ever since those days? It’s just strange and I cannot understand it.

Trying to understand everything that’s been happening.. In a sense, I feel incredibly blessed to be loved by so many. Maybe God is sending me some odd message since I’ve been feeling down about the way my looks have changed. Although I’m way past my teens, acne hit me late and hard. Maybe he’s trying to say that looks does not matter. It’s whats inside of me. Because although I have acne on my face and scars on my body, there are still those who accept me as who I am and are able to say sincerely that I am pretty. The latest guy to have fallen for me was sent to me to show that although I grew up ugly and awkward, and socially stunted- someone still managed to loved me. Through all my awkward days and ugly years, up to now in fact. By the way, those guys are not ugly hillbillies either.

OR…

… it could mean that I am currently only looking for Mr. Right Now instead of any Mr. Rights.

It sucks to find out that you are not as independent as you thought you once were. And that your life has turned into some sort-of-still-kind-of-boring tv dramas. I thought I had found my Mr. Right so long ago. Three years ago. But with my life having been shaken up. I’m not sure anymore. I thought I knew what to look for. What was the right kind of person to stick with. But now I’m uncertain.

Am I still a slut if I realise what I am doing is wrong? Yeah, I think I am. Especially since I don’t do anything to stop it. I believe I had given on up thinking too much about things a long time ago.

Okay, I’m a slut.

Weakling

November 30, 2008 - Leave a Response

The Boyfriend came over this afternoon. We fell asleep together with him holding me in his arms. When I woke up and turned around to face him, I asked him if he loved me. For the longest time now I’ve been feeling less love for him than I had before. When he kisses me now, I feel that it’s wrong. Although I still love being held by him. It is something familiar. It is something that I’ve been used to over the past three years and it’s something I’m still very afraid of losing. So although I may not love him as much as I used to, I still cried. I still felt hurt and upset.

I partly blame him for me falling for another guy. If I hadn’t been unhappy or feeling neglected, maybe none of this would have happened. All the lies would then have been unnecessary. All this falling for another person happened after I have been feeling so unloved for a long time. It really was no wonder that The Classmate was able to creep into my heart – because it was broken.

I wanted so much for this one to be the one for me. I thought I was done. Why must this happen. I didn’t ask for this. I was not hoping for this. I only wanted to be loved. By him. Not another.

I’m absolutely terrified of the prospect of starting new.

The Worst Goodbye

November 28, 2008 - Leave a Response

I feel incredibly sad. The Classmate is currently in his plane, flying over the sea, back to his home. We didn’t even get to say goodbye properly because of everyone that was around. All we managed to do was glance at each other and go, “Well, bye..” and “Yeah, see you..” and he was off through those automatic glass doors after another friend that he would be flying with.

What… no hug? My heart broke a little.

He only glanced back once and I left before I really wanted to when a friend asked, “Are we really going to wait till they’re done with immigration..?” I really wanted him to glance back one more time but instead I answered, “Heh. Right. Let’s go.” and walked away on reluctant legs. I kept glancing back to see where he was but he was swept up in the crowd and I barely saw him again. He didn’t catch my gaze. I wanted so much to run through those doors and hug him and not let go.

As we were walking towards the parking lots, tears stung my eyes and my heart ached.

We Loved

November 28, 2008 - Leave a Response

Over the past 2 months, since my last post, I have decided to screw thinking and do what I want. So I let him get close to me. I let myself be close to him. Him being The Classmate. I couldn’t help myself and I couldn’t stay away. When I try so hard to stay away, I end up being miserable and I come running back. I hated seeing him sad and I wanted so much to make him as happy as I could.

There was once where I tried to confess to The Boyfriend that The Classmate might’ve kissed me once. But I lied about what happened after. When I said that I walked off and that nothing else ever happened. This time, the Boyfriend did get incredibly upset and angry. If I still didn’t have feelings for him, I wouldn’t have cried and I wouldn’t have felt like I couldn’t live if he walked out on me. But I did. I wonder where things went so incredibly wrong. I was never like this. I was the most loyal girlfriend and never ever spared a thought for someone else when I am in a relationship. How is it possible to have enough love for two in your life?

But he (The Classmate) makes me happy. He looks at me the way I’ve always wanted to be looked at. I can hear the amount of love in his voice when he talks to me. I feel happy being close and lying in his arms. They way that we manage to fall and fit when we’re lying in bed together is so nice. It’s comfortable. When he drapes his arms over my shoulders I feel safe. I love how he comes up and gives me a hug when I’m in front of the mirror brushing my teeth or washing the dishes. The way he plops his hat onto my head when we are walking in the rain and laughs when it flops over my eyes because it’s too big for me.. it makes me feel like we’re the only two people in the world. I feel so taken care of. I have not felt so loved as I did by him in a very long time.

So I screwed thinking about it. Screwed all the what ifs and all the buts. I let myself love him. Eventhough I forbade myself from ever saying those three little words. As much as he said them to me, he never heard me say them back. He understands why.

So we loved one another. “This way,” I said to him, “At least we got the chance to love one another the way we would’ve if circumstances could have been different. For however short a time.” As much as it would hurt the both of us.

When he gets on the plane today and flies back home, it is supposed to end. We are supposed to forget each other over the next three months and come back being normal friends. As normal as anyone could be when they have loved one another so deeply. Can one really come back after going that far?

She Slept For Only Two Hours

September 11, 2008 - Leave a Response

Because Marie made a really bad decision.

I Missed The Classmate Even When The Boyfriend Was Around

September 10, 2008 - One Response

I miss the Classmate more than I miss the Boyfriend.

I feel like crying. What I said in this post turned out to be so untrue. That I didn’t like him? I still do. And I want to be able to be close to him.

What is he to me???

What?

I don’t know either. I want him to love me. I know it’s so incredibly selfish when I am already with someone else but that’s what I feel. I still like him. I know it’s not right.

Sigh!

Last weekend, I told my boyfriend that we needed to talk. We were in bed, about to go to sleep when I asked him, “Is it normal for someone who loves someone to like someone else?”

“Yes. It’s perfectly normal,” he said and continued, “… so… who is it that you like?”

“He’s just one of my classmates..” I answered.

Then I started crying because of all the guilt I felt inside.

“Why are you crying?” he asked me.

“Because.. it’s not right.. I should not be having feelings for someone else when I already love you..”

“No. It’s alright. That’s why you see so many divorces these days.. because people don’t understand that these things happen.”

“Why aren’t you upset or mad at me?”

“Because.. I think it’s a good thing that you told me. It’s better than me finding out on my own, right? And if I had gotten mad at you.. the next time something like this happens, you will be less willing to tell me about it. Let’s just go to sleep.”

I honestly thought that he would get angry at me. I know that that’s something a normal boyfriend would do. Instead he says that it’s alright.. acts perfectly normal.. and is able to go to bed and sleep soundly.

Sigh. I don’t know what this all means. How can my boyfriend be perfectly alright??

The Classmate asked me just earlier today what he was to me.. I answered that I honestly didn’t know.. and that I know that that’s not the answer he wants to hear..

I don’t know what to do.